I kinda regret saying things were looking up for me in my previous journals, since, well, they weren't really. That's just what I made myself believe this whole time. Fact is, however, that my mental health issues have really gotten to me. My depression started kicking in and along with my other issues everything just went downhill super quickly.
It's like some kind of rollercoaster- everytime things seem to be going kind of ok for a while, all of the sudden things are crap again and I resort to doing stupid things. It's been like this for 7 years, if not longer, and honestly I'm so sick and tired of it. It's only becoming worse and worse and I know that if I don't get help I'll end up killing myself in some way, whether it's because of weight loss or an actual suicide attempt. I already reached the point where I wanted to do it.
So the day after I nearly tried to do something stupid I called my doctor and I told him about my depression and how I felt like I was a few days away from doing something terribly stupid. He was really shocked, actually, and got me started on antidepressants right away, which I hope will have an effect soon. He also contacted the mental health crisis centre for me and they will contact me within a few days.
I'm gonna be tested on possible mental disorders and personality disorders. From what I have read I may have ADD and/or Borderline Personality Disorder (though to me it doesn't seem to be that severe), which is kind of hard to judge since over the years I've carefully shut down all of my feelings and right now I am in a state where I am always derealising and often also depersonalising, though I don't suspect I have a dissociative disorder such as Depersonalisation Disorder.
I guess shutting down my feelings was just kind of a defence mechanism- it started with shutting down the pain of being abandoned and mistreated. Soon I did the same with my pretty severe anxiety, which made me think that I had overcome my Social Anxiety Disorder, which may not even be the case. After that I just realised that my emotions were so extreme and such a burden to me that I had to remove all of them- subconsciously, mostly.
My anger was always out of control , so I was told to shut that down (thanks to particular person on dA who told me to stop being angry and ranting, although later on I may have come to this conclusion myself too), as well as my extreme happiness and hyperactivity which may have bothered me the most, and soon after that all the rest too. I could never deal with criticism, so I simply stopped feeling that too, which also caused me to be rather immune to any kind of praise as well. Idk, this all just led to me being super emotionless and therefor a little less unstable, but still unstable.
My mood swings are still a problem to me and I still get desperate when I'm completely alone. I still get anxious and suspicious whenever my best friend is hanging out with other friends or in any way making it seem like they might leave me or may think that I am not the best person in their world or something. I still get angry over nothing or over dumb reasons and turn into an emotionally abusive shithead. It's all been a lot worse, but the only reason my best friend doesn't leave me is because they are just very special. I've mostly distanced myself from everyone else. Including family and all of my classmates (though I'm sure they don't notice that most of the time).
Whenever I do act really happy and hyperactive (due to impulsivity and out of control feelings), I just feel sick. It makes me feel like I lost all control again and I'll feel like crap afterwards. When I'm at school this happens a lot and it just makes me feel extra isolated, even when I appear very social. So, again, I try to shut down those feelings too. Everything has just turned into a big fight against my own feelings. As much as being emotionless really, really sucks, it's better than having so many feelings that are too extreme for me to handle even one day.
I hope getting tested and getting treatment will help me with this, because my current state is going to end up getting me killed pretty soon. I'm not even going to school right now, neither am I capable of doing my homework and interacting with anyone other than my best friend and occasionally one of my parents.
If you don't like seeing these long rants, just don't read them. I've stopped telling myself that ranting about my issues will somehow cause me or others harm. Don't like it, don't look at it. I need to write these things down and I am currently old and wise enough to do it a more respectful manner than when I was younger.